To wander through this living world
by Sketchybadwriter
Summary: John Carter M.D. is 90 years old and remembers Peter Benton, Abby Lockhart, Kem, Lucy, Dave, Carol, Doug, Mark, Susan and his life and how it just doesn't seem 70 years ago.
1. Remembrance

Disclaimer: I do not own the Talking heads song used in the previous chapter and this chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own the Talking heads song used in the previous chapter and this chapter

**The best thing that ever happened to us**

Carter stood over looking the river gripping the handrails, his leather gloves protecting him against the cold.

"Grandpa," Charlie called bored kicking a stone "Are you ready to go?" John looked back at him and smiled

"In a moment." He waved and looked out over the river once more. Today 1 year ago his friend Peter Benton died, at 99 years of age. That was right, Carter was 90 years old. It was December and he'd turned so in June. It didn't feel like that long ago that Peter was with John, who was now feeling his eyes pinch as they swelled with water.

"Grandpa, are you alright?" Charlie asked walking over, but John didn't answer

"Dad there's something wrong with Grandpa." Charlie called, worried

"Dad what's going on?" John Carter the 4th called

"Nothing! Can't a man mourn in peace?" Carter barked walking back to the limo

"Sorry dad, today is the day Peter died, right?" John asked looking at his father helping him into the limo

Carter sniffed as he wrapped his coat around him. When you get older you can't seem to get warmer, he glanced at his grandson and his son. Neither of them really looked like him. Kind of, well Charlie looked exactly like John, so everyone said

"We're picking up Aaron Benton now, dad." John spoke looking at his fathers' face, which was looking down. Aaron Benton was Reese's' grandson. It was astonishing that Reese Benton was now 64 years old and had a grandchild. Aaron was about16 and Charlie was 20, they semi got along. No one really liked Charlie; he was very reclusive due to the fact that he was constantly trying to hide his homosexuality. John knew, because he caught him. Last year at Christmas he'd walked in on the whole thing and it was odd watching someone who could have been a duplicate of John have a penis in his anus and moan so much. But Carter didn't care about that at all.

His son John was well aware that his child was gay, but again, he didn't care either. In total Carter ended up having 5 children and 4 grandchildren. But even if Charlie was gay and the only one, Carter still would have sung him praises. It's funny, in today's day and age, it's not an issue, but Charlie certainly felt like it was.

"So we're going to the hospital that you first worked at grandpa?" Charlie asked

"Yes." Carter nodded his hands in his lap

"How long has been since we've been there?" John the 4th asked

"Probably 30 years, since I retired."

"THAT'S RIGHT!" John remembered excited "Once you returned from Africa you returned there."

"Yep, I worked there longer then any doctor before and so far after me at County General." Carter nodded

"You lived in Africa?" Charlie inquired

"Indeed." John Jr. began "Your grandfather moved there, he followed his girlfriend, they married a year later." John told, only to be met with scowling eyes

"Don't talk about me like I don't exist son, and don't tell my life story." Carter was angry

"Sorry father." John Jr. sunk in his seat

"What was her name?" Charlie asked

"None of your business," Carter spoke

"Oh c'mon tell me," Charlie teased

"No!" Carter stamped

"Just tell me, you miserable old fuck. You're gonna die soon anyway you really want all of this to die with you?" Charlie spat back, John Jr. looked mortified, but Carter cracked a smile. Charlie was right, John was 90 years old and in bad health- he wanted someone to remember it all

"I went to Africa for Doctors without Borders program. I had a girlfriend at the time, and I met a woman named Kem. My girlfriend and I broke up and Kem and I pursued a relationship. We got pregnant, headed back to Chicago and we lost our son, a while later I went to Paris to go see her and I told her, that I wasn't living without her. We got married, it only last 3 years."

"That's right, Joshua was his name. He was stillbirth, correct?" John Jr. asked and John only nodded, fighting back the tears, it had been 56 years and it was still hard.

"I bet your girlfriend was pissed. Why did you leave her like that?" Charlie asked

"Well, she had a bunch of problems. We had a bunch of problems. She was constant drama, always something horrible and always something more extreme then the last. She was a constant lapsing alcoholic, couldn't get anything straight and I thought to myself 'John? Is this how you want to spend out the remainder of your life? Constant fighting and battles you know will never resolve and you can never win?' so I left. Did I love her? Yes. Was I sad? Extremely, but it was right for both of us."

"What was her name?" Charlie asked

"Abby. Actually, I don't think that I'd even still be alive had I stayed with Abby." Carter laughed

"So, who was Peter Benton to you? I remember seeing him around the house, but I didn't know who he was, a colleague?"

"A teacher as well, he also saved my life."

"That's right, when you were stabbed!" John was remembering now

"You got stabbed!" Charlie exclaimed, Carter looked at John

"I didn't know you knew that."

"You weren't suppose to. Mom always tip toed around it. I heard family whisper about it. Apparently someone died and drug addiction." John Jr. told matter-of-factly

Carter nodded "On Valentine's Day of 2000, my med student and I were attacked, and she died. I felt so guilty and I was so bombarded by physical and emotional pain that I began abusing narcotics." Carter told, Charlie and John looked stunned

"Kick ass!" Charlie yelled "Where were you stabbed?"

"In the back, twice Charlie."

"Where was she stabbed?"

"Her name was Lucy Knight."

"And where was she stabbed?"

The throat, the abdomen "Why?"

"Just wondering if there was lots of gore and blood."

"A shit load." Carter told

"What did she look like dad?" John asked tilting his head. Carter was amazed, he actually had to really think. When Lucy died, he'd imagined he'd always remember her and he'd see her face everyday, and now, he had to really fight to remember

"She was 5'3; she had blond hair, and big blue eyes." He recalled

"Was she young?"

"Very, she was about 26. That was 60 years ago." Carter said in amazment

"That's really sad," John said sounding genuine

"She's probably would have married, children and a few grandchildren as well." Carte fondly thought

"You and your med student huh?" Charlie teased

"Charlie!" John shouted

"Once," Carter told "A kissing session, but that's it, nothing else. But I dabbled with it for a while, and once she died, I wondered for a long time."

"Who stabbed you?" Charlie asked

"A man named Paul Sobricki; he was 23 and law student. Schizophrenic, he died at the age of 40 from a heart attack. I know because they brought him into the ER. I sat there trying to get him beating again, and I thought to myself, 'You know, only 17 years ago I was lying here, and Lucy was in the next room while they tried to stabilize and revive us, and here you are, the one that inflicted such damage and now you're dying, you will die Paul Sobricki' thought to myself."

"Dad you didn't." John asked eyes wide

"No. I didn't. He coded and too much damage had been done. But the weird thing was that…I felt Lucy in the room, I shit you not, and I saw her as he left."

"What do you mean?" Charlie asked, feeling the limo take off again

"When we pronounced Paul, his wife was standing in the hall, and his daughter, whom his wife had been pregnant with at the time of the attack, was there too. She was 16 years old and watching her father die. But the weird thing was in the other room, I saw Lucy standing there in a white gown, her hair all stringy, looking pale, with a thick red line going down her gown. I saw her around the hospital for days, watching me. I thought for sure it was my time to go." Carter told "Anyway, I finally opened up to a woman named Kerry about it, she used to run the ER and Weaver told me that they had to crack Lucy's chest and that was the reason why she would have had the red line down her gown. Me, I had been in surgery and intensive care at the time."

"So?" Charlie said

"So Charlie, I never saw what Lucy looked like, there is no way I could have known that." Carter finished, as they all sat in silence, hearing Aaron Benton open the limo door

To be continued


	2. Is to remember fragrance where

Disclaimer: I do not own the Talking heads song used in the previous chapter and this chapter

Disclaimer: The title is taken from the poem "Remembrance" by Langston Hughes and the poem is recited here.

_To wander through this living world_

_And leave uncut the roses_

_Is to remember fragrance where_

_The flower no scent encloses_

Aaron buttoned his coat and looked in the mirror again. He'd done so 100 times, because during the past year he'd become painfully self-conscious. Aaron wasn't about to lie to himself either about it, he'd been doing that and drowning in a state of denial for about a year as well. One year ago today his great-grandfather died, and it had only been a few months before that, that his girlfriend left him. He and Angela had been together for 4 years and perfectly happy, so Aaron had thought. It came out of nowhere, she was unhappy and oh, by the way, she was leaving and she really hoped that he found someone. Aaron had had a hard enough time dealing with that and then great grandpa Peter died, which was unreal. Grandpa Peter seemed like one of those people who was going to be around forever and now he was gone, he couldn't tolerate that. Upon losing two people he loved, Aaron grades few and he had become reclusive and just this morning again, he'd held a paring knife right to his wrists and traced this all of the way up his arm- he didn't cut, but oh how he had wanted to. He thought about death and suicide non-stop. A train passed- throwing himself in front of it; A speeded- jumping out in front; A commercial for anti-depressant- taking a whole bottle and chasing it with Ever Clear. He'd become reclusive and dark, a little too dark emotionally. His complexion was good. Although Aaron's father Reese was black his mother was white and he had followed suit in that, people couldn't even tell he was black, he was just some white kid signing to a black man that happened to be his father. His great grandma Cleo however, was half white so she and great Grandpa Peter's children were mixed looking, some white, some sort, they had 7 children. Aaron was not close with aunts, uncles and cousins; in fact he never saw them at all unless grandpa Peter was there. Aaron took a deep breath and exhaled closing his eyes. He didn't want to go today, but he promised Grandpa Peter that he'd take care of Carter; also Carter had tapped into Aarons' depression quickly and was frequently asking him to go run errands and keep him company, walk him through the park and such. It's not that Aaron didn't like Mr. Carter- screw it he was calling him Carter- he just wasn't crazy loving on him. It was funny, gramps and Carters' relationship, two elderly men, sitting in their wheelchair bickering, or when Gramps would suddenly yell "Carter!" in that old man yell, Aaron chuckled at the thought. He saw the limo drive up and exited the house. Pulling on the limo handle a burst of warmth came out, and he settled into the leather seat.

"Hello Aaron." Carter smiled warmly

"Hello Carter, Mr. Carter, Charlie." Aaron greeted but did not smile

"Grandpa was just telling us about how he got stabbed." Charlie smiled and held up a thumbs up

"God damn it CHARLIE!" John Jr. yelled annoyed, Charlie smiled even wider

"I know." Aaron told taking off his gloves, they all fell into silence

"How?" Carter asked in a quiet tone tilting his head upward "Did Peter tell you?"

"In his own way; when his Alzheimer's was getting bad he'd always be bickering, then he had a lucid moment and explained himself. He also wrote of it extensively in his journal."

"You read his journal?" Carter asked shocked

"He asked me to, when he was going he asked me to read from it all of the time. He had several you know."

"No, I didn't know, Peter never shared that, but then again, some things in life are just meant for our selves."

"True that is Mr. Carter." Aaron nodded

"How is life with you?" John Jr. asked

"I don't want to talk about me." Aaron said firmly

"Oh c'mon," John Jr. teased "Talk to us." John Jr. kept on with this for about 30 seconds more

"If you don't stop this, the next time this limo stops I'll get out and go home." Aaron said, very seriously

"Oh, sorry." John Jr. told

"So, Aaron, you like Greek food?" Charlie asked

"Indeed. Why?"

"That's where we're going, to get Greek food, it's gramps favorite."

(At the Restaurant)

Checking in their coats and gloves they all took a seat at a table near the center, it was a lovely restaurant, very upscale and nice, but Aaron was used to that, he'd grown up with money, not nearly as much as the Carters' though.

"I want to show you all something." Carter said reaching into a bag beside his feet, he set it on his lap and looked at it, they all waited patiently

"These photographs, are about 60 some odd years old, they are the people that I used to work with over the years." John told setting the photo album on the table

"This was taken my second day of work." He said holding up a picture

"Nice hair cut grandpa." Charlie smiled

"Charlie it astounds me how much you look like your grandfather," John Jr. noted with furrowed eyebrows

"You think we would have gotten along grandpa?" Charlie smiled again

"I would have thought you were an ass." Carter sneered

"Oh, no redeeming qualities for Charlie?" Aaron chuckled

"Dad who's this?" John Jr. asked pointing to a photo

"That is Carol Hathaway, a head nurse at the time."

"Is she dead?" John Jr. asked, Carter nodded

"I believe so, her husband Doug died at 61 year old, motor cycle accident."

"Where is her husband?" Aaron asked

"Right here, with Dr. Mark Greene." Carter told turning the page

"That was Mark? I'd heard so many stories, I'd always wondered what the man looked like." John Jr. told

"Me too." Aaron added

"Dr. Susan Lewis." Aaron read "Pretty, and her? Is she alive?" Aaron asked, but Carter only shook his head

"Nope, 17 years ago, she drowned,"

"Kerry Weaver, Deb, Malucci, Haleh, Malick, Wendy, Yosh, Lily, Jerry, Randi, Chuny, who were all of these people?" John Jr. looked up "I remember the names though."

"All people I loved and worked with." Carter replied, but John Jr.s' eyes were caught on a snowy photograph, of a smiling girl with blond hair and blue eyes, he felt his blood grow cold

"I see you found Lucy." Carter spoke calmly looking at John Jr.

"Where was this taken?"

"This was taken by a nurse named Abby. It was taken right outside of the ER, about 2 months before she died." Carter told feeling his voice thicken

"She was pretty." Aaron said

"_Lucka_-"

"It's pronounced _Lu-kah_." Carter corrected

"Luka and Abby. Is that the Abby you dated?" Carter nodded at the question

"Yes."

"Are her and Luka still alive?"

"No," Carter began "She died at 56. Abby stressed herself into an early death."

"And Luka?" Aaron asked

"2 years ago, with his family at his side," Carter felt a little envious at that

"Jesus dad are you the only one left?" John Jr. asked taking a glass of water and Carter thought

"Yeah, actually. Peter died last year, and then Malick passed away a few weeks ago, of the original people from when I started working there, yes." That made Carter sad

"Damn." Charlie said

After they finished eating they headed into the limo again

"Another surprise dad?" John Jr. asked smiling

"You'll see." Carter was excited. Feeling the limo stop he got out as fast as he could, looking directly at the building and quickly turning away

"Where are we dad?"

"County General, where I used to work." Carter said sadly, the building was horrid and a big poster sign said "Future site of your nearest shopping center!"

Carter didn't want to admit to what he was looking at, but he had too, and he felt his eyes swell, one foot in front of the other, and walked toward the entrance

"What are you doing?" Aaron asked eyes wide

"Going in." Carter was determined

"Dad you aren't going in." John Jr. told pulling on his father

"Get away from me!"

"C'mon grandpa, you're tired, let's go." Charlie told also pulling

"Let me go! Let me go!" Carter demanded but they went on unrelenting "If you don't let me go I'll write you out of the will!!" Carter exclaimed and felt hands let go. Aaron was both intrigued and uncomfortable.

Gathering himself and looking at the glass doors that read "Emergency" Carter paused, and then picked up a rock and threw it through the door, watching the red letters shatter and fall to the ground.

"OH MY GOD WE'RE FELLONS." Charlie exhaled putting his hands on his head. One foot in front of the other he walked in and was amazed. It was the same, there were the metal detectors, there were chairs, the nurses' station, it was all there.

"This is what you loved so much grandpa?" Charlie asked, looking around at the lust laden scenery

"Here." Carter pointed in a trance at the front desk"Here is where I first met Peter." And down here where the lounge was." Carter told walking into the lounge, now an empty room with a tattered couch, a locker, but the sink and counter still there.

"Over here was Trauma room 1, where I took care of patients, and once where the staff here saved my life," Carter told walking fast, they all followed amazed "And here," Carter told standing outside the door hearing strange echoes

_SOMEBODY!! _

His own voice in agony "This is exam room 4, where I was stabbed." Carter told opening the door slowly; the room had a few IV stands but was pretty much empty. "Here, here is where I lay, bleeding, and there was a bed here and when I opened my eyes I saw Lucy, on the side, her throat cut, stab wounds to her chest and abdomen, bleeding, she passes out, I pass out." Carter finished inhaling sharply, he turned to leave seeing Aaron, Charlie and John Jr. all standing about 2 feet away, tears in their eyes.

"Dennis Gant." Carter said

"Was that the man that stabbed you?" Charlie choked

"No, that was Paul Sobricki." Aaron began wiping his face "Dennis Gant was a fellow med student with Carter. He was depressed and going through some touch times, then he killed himself, Grandpa wrote about it. He felt so guilty, he felt to blame, him and Carter he felt were to blame." Aaron cried

"Yes, it was partly my fault. I felt responsible; I was responsible; I was a horrible friend to Dennis, he was my housemate, he needed me, he was always there for me and I left him behind. I'll have to answer for it someday." Carter told and walked out

"What I don't understand is why they would leave all of this behind." Charlie asked in the limo

"They weren't suppose to." Carter replied angrily, he knew County had closed about 15 years ago but he didn't think it would be left in that condition.

"Did you have a good time Aaron?" Carter asked

"Yes," Aaron smiled, the first time he'd done so in, well a year "I'm looking forward to tomorrow." And with that, Aaron closed the door and walked up the steps to his house

"I'm beat." Carter told as they walked up to the house

"Good night then dad." John Jr. said kissing and hugging his father walking off, Charlie did the same but headed for the kitchen. John smiled slightly and walked up the long stairs. He was lucky, he could still get around by his own and dress and bathe himself. He closed his bedroom door and threw his coat on the bed, sitting on the edge he removed his shoes, unbuttoned his cuffs and shirt and removed it. The pants and boxers came slid down his legs and then his undershirt over his head. Grabbing his robe and pulling it around him as he walked into his bathroom and started a bath. Exiting Carter caught his reflection in the long mirror and stood there for a moment. He let his robe fall and he examined himself, he didn't look anything close to the way he thought he would have when he was old, yes his skin was frailer and slightly saggy, but it wasn't disgusting as he had thought. He leaned in for a closer look and noticed that his once dark eyes had grown a little green in parts, as many people's do with age, his hair completely white and slightly receded, but pretty much full in all parts. Carter settled into the warm bath and exhaled; so many memories today, so many bad ones. Had it been a bad life? Carter didn't know; when he first came to County, people commented that he as sweet and caring and then, life just got him down. By the time he was in his 5th year there, many people alleged that he'd become weary and bitter, and that was true. All of the doctors, nurses and family members claimed by County General. Carter thought about being 23 and working for the first time, and knowing nothing of sutures or anything, then retiring at some 40 years later and knowing things people couldn't even imagine. Carter stood drying himself off and then dressed. He brushed his teeth and looked in the mirror one again. He pulled his covers snuggly around him and shut off the light. Carter felt sleep wash over him.


End file.
